Things Remembered, Key West edition

Join me for a trip down memory lane as we paraphrase a conversation between a drunk John, a drunk James, and a drunk nudie-bar employee out in front of Teasers on Duval St. in Key West, FL.. July 3, 2005. This exchange was prompted by an older (mid-40s) woman who had obviously been around the block a few times and was sitting in front of the staircase up to the go-go bar, attempting to lure customers inside. We'll call her "Barker", since that was, in effect, what she was doing, and also is quite apropos vis-a-vis her appearance.

Barker : "Come on up ! No cover, 20 all-nude females ready to entertain ! Guys, you want to come upstairs?"

James : "Are you representative of the quality of women employed by this bar?"

John : "Ooof."

Barker : "What do you mean?"

James : "I mean... are there a bunch of buffalo chicks in there?"

Barker (now getting annoyed) : "What the fuck do you mean? You trying to say I look like a buffalo? You..."

John (jokingly, trying to defuse the situation) : "Heh heh.. no, he means chicks from Buffalo aren't very attractive..."

Barker : "I'm from Buffalo !"

John (sighing) : "Of course you are......."

Barker : "I rode a motorcycle down here after my parents kicked me out of their house.."

John : "What is this, a fucking A&E biography?"

James : "Look, are the girls in there good looking or not?"

Just then, two dancers come down the stairs.

Barker : "See for yourself, this is Destiny and Amber....."

James : "Those chicks are very, very..................average."

John : "Teasers !! Home of 3 dollar Bud bottles and the world's highest concentration of herpes sores !! Look, she's got one right there...."

James : "Listen, let's cut through the bullshit. Has anyone ever taken a dump on your chest?"

Barker : "What? No......."

John : "That really upsets me. I can't believe no one's ever taken a dump on your chest..."

James : "What if I slide back here when you get off work. I think I can hold this monster back until then. What time do you get off?"

Barker (actually seeming interested in James at this point) : "2 AM. You're really going to come back for me at 2:00?"

John : "Holy shit... is she even listening to you?"

James : "She's drunk. That's right, toots, I'll be back at 2:00 and I'm going to hit you with a Cleveland steamer. I might even do a chili dog - you know what that is?"

Barker : "You won't come back at 2:00 - you're full of shit."

John : "He IS full of shit - that's what he was just saying. You'll see-"

James : "I am fucking coming back. I'm going to take you back to my hotel."

Barker : "Yeah, right..."

James : "I'm serious. You're coming back to my hotel tonight." (John and James start to walk away.)

Barker (calling after James) : "I'm sure I won't see you again !"

James : "You heard what I said. I'll be back at 2:00 and I'm going to take a huge fucking DUMP right on your chest. Bet on it !!!!"

Barker : "I'll hold my breath !!!!"

John : "You're gonna need to !"



Good times, good times.