Yeah, so TBS has gone "national" with its baseball coverage this year, rather than featuring the Braves, which means that I can no longer watch ANY of my favorite sports teams on a regular basis without paying extra for the subscriber-only bonus plans. I put "national" in quotes, since something like 6 of the first 8 broadcasts feature either the Red Sox or Yankees. Like we don't already see them enough on Fox and ESPN. As I prepare to catch at least one Braves game this weekend at Cracker Jack Stadium, I lament the loss of Ted Turner. Since he sold the team, not only have I lost my network, but also a team with the ability to spend with the big-boys in this absurdly non-capped sport. If MLB's goal was to create a two-horse race between the Yankees and Red Sox, with the occasional other contender thrown in, kudos. The National League seems to be headed in the same direction with New York and L.A. Since the Braves' run of dominance in the NL East, we've seen Tom Glavine (30s variety), Rafael Furcal, Andruw Jones, Kyle Farnsworth, Johnny Estrada, Edgar Renteria, etc.. etc.. walk off or traded with only Mark Teixeira , Glavine (40s variety) and Tim Hudson brought in (the former of which is Boras-represented and will never be able to be re-signed long term.) Meanwhile the Mets added Billy Wagner, Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez, Johan Santana, et al to the tune of almost half a billion dollars. Philly and Atlanta will never be able to compete with that kind of spending, only the Dodgers seem to be able to (and maybe the Cubs, we'll see.)
Baseball needs to cap itself before it becomes a 5-6 team league with another 20-odd teams only able to compete for brief, shining moments by catching lightning in a bottle, only to see all their homegrown talent bought off by the same 5 teams.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
While we're talking war...
Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, "prolong capture shock," disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. Based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees, here are some of the songs that guards and interrogators chose. I won't even comment.
24. Raspberry Beret, Prince
23. Swan Dive, Hed P.E.
22. Cold, Matchbox 20
21. Click Click Boom, Saliva
20. American Pie, Don Mclean
19. Bulls on Parade, Rage Against the Machine
18. America, Neil Diamond
17. Dirrty, Christina Aguilera
16. All Eyes on Me, Tupac
15. Stayin Alive, Bee Gees
14. Hells Bells, AC/DC
13. Shoot to Thrill, AC/DC
12. Born in the USA, Bruce Springsteen
11. Babylon, David Gray
10. Sesame Street theme song.
9. “The Meow Mix" song
8. Enter Sandman, Metallica
7. Bodies, Drowning Pool
6. Barney Theme Song
5. Kim, Eminem
4. White America, Eminem
3. Take Your Best Shot, Dope
2. Die, Motherfucker, Die, Dope
1. Fuck Your God, Deicide
VH1, can we PLEASE make this a countdown hosted by Sebastian Bach? I'm begging you... I'm sure Scott Ian, Dee Snider, and the director of photography on Hostel 2 are available to do commentary. Can't you just hear Sebastian?
Sebastian : Coming in at number 9 is a brain-rattling mushroom cloud of a song that put the world on notice : cat food was not going to be ignored any longer !
(A computer rendered scene of a graveyard on a stormy night appears on screen. A thunderclap sound effect mixed with a heavy electric guitar chord is heard as a tombstone marked "MEOW MIX THEME" erupts from the black soil.....)
Video clip of an Iraqi soldier ripping his own ears off his head as "Meow, meow, meow, meow.... meow, meow, meow meow.." drones on in the background.
Sebastian voice over : Cat food commercials used to be pretty tame fare, until 4 guys from Wichita, Kansas came along and said '[bleep] all that !!!!'
Scott Ian : 'Meow Mix' is like the soundtrack to hell. I remember back when we first formed Anthrax, we used to get ripped and sit around the van listening to 'Meow Mix' for hours on end to get pumped up for the show....
Some b-horror movie director : I used 'Meow Mix' in "Cavern of Blood 9" because it captured the tortured souls of blah, blah, blah, blah...
Chuck Nice : Did that mother[bleep]er just say "Meow Mix?" Oh no he didn't......
Pleeeeeeeease, VH1.......
24. Raspberry Beret, Prince
23. Swan Dive, Hed P.E.
22. Cold, Matchbox 20
21. Click Click Boom, Saliva
20. American Pie, Don Mclean
19. Bulls on Parade, Rage Against the Machine
18. America, Neil Diamond
17. Dirrty, Christina Aguilera
16. All Eyes on Me, Tupac
15. Stayin Alive, Bee Gees
14. Hells Bells, AC/DC
13. Shoot to Thrill, AC/DC
12. Born in the USA, Bruce Springsteen
11. Babylon, David Gray
10. Sesame Street theme song.
9. “The Meow Mix" song
8. Enter Sandman, Metallica
7. Bodies, Drowning Pool
6. Barney Theme Song
5. Kim, Eminem
4. White America, Eminem
3. Take Your Best Shot, Dope
2. Die, Motherfucker, Die, Dope
1. Fuck Your God, Deicide
VH1, can we PLEASE make this a countdown hosted by Sebastian Bach? I'm begging you... I'm sure Scott Ian, Dee Snider, and the director of photography on Hostel 2 are available to do commentary. Can't you just hear Sebastian?
Sebastian : Coming in at number 9 is a brain-rattling mushroom cloud of a song that put the world on notice : cat food was not going to be ignored any longer !
(A computer rendered scene of a graveyard on a stormy night appears on screen. A thunderclap sound effect mixed with a heavy electric guitar chord is heard as a tombstone marked "MEOW MIX THEME" erupts from the black soil.....)
Video clip of an Iraqi soldier ripping his own ears off his head as "Meow, meow, meow, meow.... meow, meow, meow meow.." drones on in the background.
Sebastian voice over : Cat food commercials used to be pretty tame fare, until 4 guys from Wichita, Kansas came along and said '[bleep] all that !!!!'
Scott Ian : 'Meow Mix' is like the soundtrack to hell. I remember back when we first formed Anthrax, we used to get ripped and sit around the van listening to 'Meow Mix' for hours on end to get pumped up for the show....
Some b-horror movie director : I used 'Meow Mix' in "Cavern of Blood 9" because it captured the tortured souls of blah, blah, blah, blah...
Chuck Nice : Did that mother[bleep]er just say "Meow Mix?" Oh no he didn't......
Pleeeeeeeease, VH1.......
Mourning the death of independent thought
I'm tired of all the bandwagon schmucks that are protesting our continued presence in Iraq, when they were all for this war to begin with. I'm not talking about the peaceniks who never thought we should be in there in the first place. If they want to bitch about this war, feel free to do so, you've earned it. I'm talking about the people who were in an all-guns-blazing jingoistic frenzy when Bush announced his ultimatum to Hussein, but now are just as feverishly anti-war because "Bush lied to us about the WMDs." Right. A couple of things...
First off, anyone who uses the cop-out line : "this war was all about oil from the get-go" should be shot. You think? Are you telling me you're naive enough to have EVER believed that oil reserves had nothing to do with this? Do you really think the United States would be interested to the point of military intervention in the injustices perpetrated against the citizens of Iraq unless we had oil interests in the area? If so, why aren't we all over Africa and Asia putting an end to the genocidal regimes in power across the globe? Because they don't have any fucking oil. Further, until hybrid technology and new advances in the automotive and heating industries wipe out our reliance on foreign oil, we HAVE to protect those interests. It's not even about the rich getting richer for the average Joe. Do you really think the Bush family is going to starve to death if there's an oil crisis? No, the rest of us jackasses are going to be paying $6.00 a gallon to get to work every day.
Second, just because there aren't any WMDs doesn't mean we were lied to. Sources close to Hussein have already said that Hussein purposely acted as if he did have such weapons and defied the UN inspectors because he underestimated the severity of the American response and was afraid of letting Iran know that he was more vulnerable to attack than they believed. In other words, Hussein feared Iran more than he feared the U.S. Oops. The fact of the matter is, Hussein and his sick, twisted offspring were murderous despots and the world is better off without them. I regret that any American lives were lost in the pursuit of our goals there, but for those screaming at Bush to get the troops out now, will you be singing the same tune when we bail out and either pro-Hussein Sunni extremists or, better yet, Iran moves in and takes the country over? Christ, even the Democratic Presidental hopefuls won't commit to an immediate troop withdrawal, even though it would probably win someone the election because they KNOW it can't be done. So, let's ease up with all this rhetoric. Again, let me reiterate that I understand some people are anti-war by nature, and that's cool if that's your stance - I respect that. This diatribe, if you will, is directed at the people whose views on war change every time the POPULAR view changes. Think for yourself, take a stance, and stick with it. It doesn't mean you can't admit mistakes if you make them, but have the balls to stand by your convictions and don't be swayed by the herd mentality. There's way too much of that shit these days.
Next up, the fashion industry. Esquire magazine recently had an article detailing 60 fashion do's and don'ts called the "(New) Laws of Casual Style." Google it if you want to read it, I'm not going to repost it here. They did have such nuggets as :
Small holes in jeans? Kind of cool. Small holes in sweaters? Pathetic.
Tennis and baseball are the most influential sports on American style. Discuss.
Animals make the best logos. Match the logo with the brand.
Sunglasses don’t belong on top of your head, folded into the neck of your shirt, or hanging around your neck by some nylon cord. If you have to remove them, hold them or put them on a table.
Jesus H. Christ. Fascinating. OK, so if I'm at the beach and I go into a bar or restaurant, I'm going to carry my sunglasses around all night or put them on the table where I'm sure to forget them because some asscake at Esquire thinks it's uncool to hang them on my shirt or wear them on top of my head? Fuck you, Esquire. But the article itself is only indicative of the larger problem : fashion, fashionistas, and the fashion industry in general. Why TELL people what to wear, in essence? I have no problem with people wearing any kind of clothes for whatever reason - whether it's comfort or the way they look. I dress the way I do because it's comfortable AND I like the way my clothes look. I mean, there are limits - I wouldn't wear a Motorhead shirt and cargo shorts to a wedding- but beyond dressing appropriately, who cares what someone else is wearing? Why be one of these mindless sheep who goes out and spends time and money buying new clothes every year because someone in New York or London decided it was "in" this year? Why should you give a rat's ass what anyone thinks but yourself? If you like wearing football jerseys out, wear them. If you want to tuck your polo shirt in, do it. If you like to wear it out, do that. Honestly, anyone who goes around critiquing other peoples' clothing really needs to find something better to do. Those people belong in the same hell as the morons who call up TV stations complaining that what they're seeing is inappropriate rather than just turning the goddamned channel. There's WAY too much conformity in this country as it is, it seems like every time I turn around, the government, special interest groups, citizens, etc.. are busy telling me what I should and shouldn't do. It's condescending, and frankly really fucking annoying.
Further, take a gander at the people setting the "trends": This guy on the right popped up when googling America's hottest designers. OK, so this is the guy that's determining what looks are "in" this year. I'll pass. And this guy here is apparently the most influential designer in the US. Evidently, he made his bones as the guy who popularized the "grunge" look. Nice. So, HE'S the guy who looked at a bunch of disaffected youth that wore clothing they bought from thrift shops and decided to recreate these tattered clothes at enormous mark-ups? The guy who "decided" it was cool for countless millions of suburbanites to wear the uniform of a scene they had no knowledge of, no association with, nor any understanding of, is the guy who's telling the fashion-conscious what they should and shouldn't wear? Sweet. Fashion and the fashion industry is the single biggest waste of time and money on this planet. Go to the store, take a look at what they have, find something that appeals to you, and buy it. End of story. Who gives a shit what anyone else thinks , be yourself.
And here's my favorite part of the Esquire article :
The man who imparts opinions via T-shirt has neither the intelligence to form a cogent opinion nor the good sense to keep it to himself.
This, while they're foisting their opinions on you simulteanously. Hypocritical? You be the judge. Esquire, blow me.
OK, that's it. I promise there will be more funjinks in the days to come, I'm just pissed off because I lost my keys at Sea World yesterday. Son of a bitch.
First off, anyone who uses the cop-out line : "this war was all about oil from the get-go" should be shot. You think? Are you telling me you're naive enough to have EVER believed that oil reserves had nothing to do with this? Do you really think the United States would be interested to the point of military intervention in the injustices perpetrated against the citizens of Iraq unless we had oil interests in the area? If so, why aren't we all over Africa and Asia putting an end to the genocidal regimes in power across the globe? Because they don't have any fucking oil. Further, until hybrid technology and new advances in the automotive and heating industries wipe out our reliance on foreign oil, we HAVE to protect those interests. It's not even about the rich getting richer for the average Joe. Do you really think the Bush family is going to starve to death if there's an oil crisis? No, the rest of us jackasses are going to be paying $6.00 a gallon to get to work every day.
Second, just because there aren't any WMDs doesn't mean we were lied to. Sources close to Hussein have already said that Hussein purposely acted as if he did have such weapons and defied the UN inspectors because he underestimated the severity of the American response and was afraid of letting Iran know that he was more vulnerable to attack than they believed. In other words, Hussein feared Iran more than he feared the U.S. Oops. The fact of the matter is, Hussein and his sick, twisted offspring were murderous despots and the world is better off without them. I regret that any American lives were lost in the pursuit of our goals there, but for those screaming at Bush to get the troops out now, will you be singing the same tune when we bail out and either pro-Hussein Sunni extremists or, better yet, Iran moves in and takes the country over? Christ, even the Democratic Presidental hopefuls won't commit to an immediate troop withdrawal, even though it would probably win someone the election because they KNOW it can't be done. So, let's ease up with all this rhetoric. Again, let me reiterate that I understand some people are anti-war by nature, and that's cool if that's your stance - I respect that. This diatribe, if you will, is directed at the people whose views on war change every time the POPULAR view changes. Think for yourself, take a stance, and stick with it. It doesn't mean you can't admit mistakes if you make them, but have the balls to stand by your convictions and don't be swayed by the herd mentality. There's way too much of that shit these days.
Next up, the fashion industry. Esquire magazine recently had an article detailing 60 fashion do's and don'ts called the "(New) Laws of Casual Style." Google it if you want to read it, I'm not going to repost it here. They did have such nuggets as :
Small holes in jeans? Kind of cool. Small holes in sweaters? Pathetic.
Tennis and baseball are the most influential sports on American style. Discuss.
Animals make the best logos. Match the logo with the brand.
Sunglasses don’t belong on top of your head, folded into the neck of your shirt, or hanging around your neck by some nylon cord. If you have to remove them, hold them or put them on a table.
Jesus H. Christ. Fascinating. OK, so if I'm at the beach and I go into a bar or restaurant, I'm going to carry my sunglasses around all night or put them on the table where I'm sure to forget them because some asscake at Esquire thinks it's uncool to hang them on my shirt or wear them on top of my head? Fuck you, Esquire. But the article itself is only indicative of the larger problem : fashion, fashionistas, and the fashion industry in general. Why TELL people what to wear, in essence? I have no problem with people wearing any kind of clothes for whatever reason - whether it's comfort or the way they look. I dress the way I do because it's comfortable AND I like the way my clothes look. I mean, there are limits - I wouldn't wear a Motorhead shirt and cargo shorts to a wedding- but beyond dressing appropriately, who cares what someone else is wearing? Why be one of these mindless sheep who goes out and spends time and money buying new clothes every year because someone in New York or London decided it was "in" this year? Why should you give a rat's ass what anyone thinks but yourself? If you like wearing football jerseys out, wear them. If you want to tuck your polo shirt in, do it. If you like to wear it out, do that. Honestly, anyone who goes around critiquing other peoples' clothing really needs to find something better to do. Those people belong in the same hell as the morons who call up TV stations complaining that what they're seeing is inappropriate rather than just turning the goddamned channel. There's WAY too much conformity in this country as it is, it seems like every time I turn around, the government, special interest groups, citizens, etc.. are busy telling me what I should and shouldn't do. It's condescending, and frankly really fucking annoying.
Further, take a gander at the people setting the "trends": This guy on the right popped up when googling America's hottest designers. OK, so this is the guy that's determining what looks are "in" this year. I'll pass. And this guy here is apparently the most influential designer in the US. Evidently, he made his bones as the guy who popularized the "grunge" look. Nice. So, HE'S the guy who looked at a bunch of disaffected youth that wore clothing they bought from thrift shops and decided to recreate these tattered clothes at enormous mark-ups? The guy who "decided" it was cool for countless millions of suburbanites to wear the uniform of a scene they had no knowledge of, no association with, nor any understanding of, is the guy who's telling the fashion-conscious what they should and shouldn't wear? Sweet. Fashion and the fashion industry is the single biggest waste of time and money on this planet. Go to the store, take a look at what they have, find something that appeals to you, and buy it. End of story. Who gives a shit what anyone else thinks , be yourself.
And here's my favorite part of the Esquire article :
The man who imparts opinions via T-shirt has neither the intelligence to form a cogent opinion nor the good sense to keep it to himself.
This, while they're foisting their opinions on you simulteanously. Hypocritical? You be the judge. Esquire, blow me.
OK, that's it. I promise there will be more funjinks in the days to come, I'm just pissed off because I lost my keys at Sea World yesterday. Son of a bitch.
Pittsburgh Steelers Offseason - Part 1
Because I know all of you are here for hard-hitting football analysis, particularly as it applies to the Mighty Black and Gold.
Addressing the major developments since the start of the free agent period....
First off, a hearty bon voyage and a load of thanks to perennial All-Pro guard Alan Faneca. The guy's been nothing but an animal for the better part of the last decade, but the time was nigh for him to go. He was dissatisfied with the Steelers' unwillingness to extend him a long-term mega-deal, but the bottom line, Alan, is that the Steelers just don't do that. We all know that they WILL sign their stars to long-term big money deals, but not when you hit your 30s and your play starts to decline. If you're a star already and in your 20s, the Steelers will lavish that kind of money on you, not at this point in your career, when your play has already shown signs of dropping off. Sorry. 4 years at around $25 million is all he could have expected, which is why it was time to move on.
As for the Jets, who dropped the monster 5 year, $40 million deal on Faneca, which makes him the NFL's highest-paid OL, good luck. Faneca will be an instant upgrade over whatever turnstile you guys had at LG last year, but at this point in his career, he's not much more than a good pulling guard. He doesn't get to the second level and crack MFs the way he used to in the run game, and he's gone from average to below average in pass protection. This is a deal that looks good now, but in 2-3 years, that $20+ million in guaranteed money may make you wonder if this isn't Neil O'Donnell all over again.
And finally, the big, big news of the day - Mewelde Moore is coming to town! Just kidding. Well, no, he is signing today, but that's not the big news. Roethlisberger has been extended through 2017 to the tune of $102 million ($36 mil guaranteed) over 8 years. This is more money than "Hunky" Tony Romo got and puts him in the high-rent Peyton Manning/Michael Vick (how funny is that deal now?) neighborhood. That gives me pause as a fan of a traditionally cautious franchise, but this is a deal the Steelers absolutely had to make. Roethlisberger established himself last year as probably one of the top 3 QBs in the NFL (definitely top 5 at any rate) and at the age of 26 (yesterday - happy birthday, dude) is entering the prime of his career. This extension guarantees he'll remain a Steeler into his mid-30s, at which point he'll be unceremoniously dumped for someone younger, latch on in Kansas City, Seattle, or New York for 2 years, then retire. The guy is the face of the franchise, one of the faces of the NFL, and a top-tier player at a premium position not yet in his prime. There would have been mutiny among Black & Gold faithful if this guy was allowed to walk, and the Rooneys knew it. While the dollar figures are mind-boggling, that itself serves another purpose, which is to help shed the "overly frugal" tag that often causes potential top free agents pause when considering Pittsburgh. The Steelers will take care of their own when needed (see Polamalu, Troy.)
Now, Tomlin, Colbert, and crew had damn well better turn their attention towards the OL early and often in this draft. Don't be surprised when the Steelers' first pick is spent on one of the following players : Brendan Albert, Gosder Cherilus, Chris Williams (the tackle from Vanderbilt, not the beer-swiller from New Hampshire,) Jeff Otah, Ryan Clady, or Sam Baker. In fact, I'd wager even money right now on one of those 6 guys against the field.
Addressing the major developments since the start of the free agent period....
First off, a hearty bon voyage and a load of thanks to perennial All-Pro guard Alan Faneca. The guy's been nothing but an animal for the better part of the last decade, but the time was nigh for him to go. He was dissatisfied with the Steelers' unwillingness to extend him a long-term mega-deal, but the bottom line, Alan, is that the Steelers just don't do that. We all know that they WILL sign their stars to long-term big money deals, but not when you hit your 30s and your play starts to decline. If you're a star already and in your 20s, the Steelers will lavish that kind of money on you, not at this point in your career, when your play has already shown signs of dropping off. Sorry. 4 years at around $25 million is all he could have expected, which is why it was time to move on.
As for the Jets, who dropped the monster 5 year, $40 million deal on Faneca, which makes him the NFL's highest-paid OL, good luck. Faneca will be an instant upgrade over whatever turnstile you guys had at LG last year, but at this point in his career, he's not much more than a good pulling guard. He doesn't get to the second level and crack MFs the way he used to in the run game, and he's gone from average to below average in pass protection. This is a deal that looks good now, but in 2-3 years, that $20+ million in guaranteed money may make you wonder if this isn't Neil O'Donnell all over again.
And finally, the big, big news of the day - Mewelde Moore is coming to town! Just kidding. Well, no, he is signing today, but that's not the big news. Roethlisberger has been extended through 2017 to the tune of $102 million ($36 mil guaranteed) over 8 years. This is more money than "Hunky" Tony Romo got and puts him in the high-rent Peyton Manning/Michael Vick (how funny is that deal now?) neighborhood. That gives me pause as a fan of a traditionally cautious franchise, but this is a deal the Steelers absolutely had to make. Roethlisberger established himself last year as probably one of the top 3 QBs in the NFL (definitely top 5 at any rate) and at the age of 26 (yesterday - happy birthday, dude) is entering the prime of his career. This extension guarantees he'll remain a Steeler into his mid-30s, at which point he'll be unceremoniously dumped for someone younger, latch on in Kansas City, Seattle, or New York for 2 years, then retire. The guy is the face of the franchise, one of the faces of the NFL, and a top-tier player at a premium position not yet in his prime. There would have been mutiny among Black & Gold faithful if this guy was allowed to walk, and the Rooneys knew it. While the dollar figures are mind-boggling, that itself serves another purpose, which is to help shed the "overly frugal" tag that often causes potential top free agents pause when considering Pittsburgh. The Steelers will take care of their own when needed (see Polamalu, Troy.)
Now, Tomlin, Colbert, and crew had damn well better turn their attention towards the OL early and often in this draft. Don't be surprised when the Steelers' first pick is spent on one of the following players : Brendan Albert, Gosder Cherilus, Chris Williams (the tackle from Vanderbilt, not the beer-swiller from New Hampshire,) Jeff Otah, Ryan Clady, or Sam Baker. In fact, I'd wager even money right now on one of those 6 guys against the field.
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