The McMuffin Challenge

Many of you have seen it, some of you haven't - here it is in all its glory.

Things Remembered, North Carolina, Part II

At the aforementioned wedding in N.C., this story was relayed to me by a new friend named Mike, who was one of the funniest SOBs I've met in a long time. It details a drunken adventure he had years ago in South Boston. I retold it a few weeks later before Williams' wedding while (more than) half soused in the pool at Excalibur, but since almost none of you were there, here it is (James, Chris, Barry - I know you know this one...)

Mike was in school to join the Merchant Marines at the time, and he and his buddy used to drive back to school after weekend breaks at about 2 AM on Sundays so they could get hammered all day and make it back just in time for Monday AM activities. Well, this one particular Sunday, Mike decided to go out at about noon to watch the Pats game and proceeded to drink Irish Car Bombs (and Guinness and Bushmills as well) all day long. By about 8 PM, he was completely destroyed. He asks his buddy if he can borrow his keys to go take a nap in the car, and after some ribbing, the dude agrees and gives him the keys. While everyone else was in the bar drinking, Mike had his own adventure.

Mike passes out in the car and wakes up about three hours later. Realizing everyone will be in the bar for another 3 hours, he decides he's going to drive the car to go get something to eat, figuring it will help him sober up a bit. No more than 5 minutes into his drunken sojourn around Southie, he's cruising along at about 45 when he notices the traffic light he's approaching turn red (didn't see the amber stage.) He jams both feet on the clutch of the 82 Camaro he's driving and screeches to a stop, only to see a cop car parked perpendicular to him at the intersection. The cop's light turns green, and he doesn't move. At this point, Mike knows he's screwed.... when his light turns green, he simply goes through the intersection and pulls over immediately. Cop pulls up behind him and doesn't even put on the lights. He walks to the driver's window and shines the light in.

"You been drinking tonight?"

Mike looks directly at the cop and says :"Sir, I'm not saying this to be a wise ass or to mess with you. I'm as drunk as I've ever been in my life."

"Would you like to take a field sobriety test?" the cop asks.

Mike replies : "If you open this door right now, I'm going to fall out onto the fucking street. I cannot impress upon you enough exactly how drunk I am."

He then goes on to tell the cop everything about how he's training to become a Merchant Marine and that it's his friend's car and the guy is at the bar and they're going back to school right after this, etc.. etc.. The cop listens to all this and says, unbelievably :

"OK, you've been forthright with me and I appreciate that. If I hit you with DUI, you're going to get kicked out of school, it'll ruin your career, and I don't want to do that, you seem like a good kid. But I can't turn you loose on the streets of South Boston in this condition, so here's what I propose. Follow me back to the bar you were at so I can talk to your friend. If your story is legit and he promises not to give you the keys back, I'll let you walk."

Mike, amazed at the break he's being given, thanks the cop profusely and accepts. So he gets back into the car and begins following the cop back to the bar. About halfway there, he pauses to light a cigarette and looks up just in time to see the cop car in front of him stopped at a red light about 20 feet in front of him. He again slams both feet on the clutch with all his might, skids noisily, and......

**CRUNCH**

Hits the stopped police car at about 30 MPH and shoots the cop car right through the frigging intersection. At this point Mike gets out of the car, holding the keys over his head, just preparing to be arrested. The back of the cop car is dented up, and he knows he's going down. The cop gets out of the squad car, yelling :

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS ?!?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS ?!?!?!?!?!?"

Mike figures he's done, but what he doesn't realize is that at this point, the cop really can't bust him or he'll have to explain why he was let go in the first place and why his car is dented up. So the cop just yells to him :

"Park that fucking car and get in the back, I'll take you back to the bar, you stupid bastard !"

Mike replies : "I told you 15 minutes ago I can't drive, you think I can goddamn parallel park? You park the fucking car !!!!"

So the cop, grumbling at his own stupidity, I guess, proceeds to parallel park the car, puts Mike in the back seat of his squad car, and drives him back to the bar. When they get back, the cop walks in and pulls the car owner aside to check Mike's Merchant Marine story and admonish him for giving him the keys in the first place. Of course, no one had no idea he was even gone; as far as they knew, the car was still parked out front with Mike asleep in it.

After the cop is done grilling Mike's buddy, he makes his exit. The Camaro owner comes back to the group, pissed as all hell. He starts giving Mike a ration of shit when Mike busts out in hysterical laughter. The dude asks him angrily what's so funny and Mike answers, through panting from laughing :

"I have no fucking idea where your car is !"

It took them 3 hours to find it.

Because Bukowski said it better than I ever could...

the finest of the breed
there’s nothing to discuss
there’s nothing to remember
there’s nothing to forget
it’s sad and it’s not sad
seems the most sensible thing a person can do
is sit with a drink in hand
as the walls wave their goodbye smiles

one comes through it all
with a certain amount of efficiency and bravery
then leaves

some accept the possibility of God
to help them get through
others take it straight on

and to these I drink tonight.

Things Remembered, North Carolina edition

Last June, two good friends of mine, Barry and Ashton, got married in Wrightsville Beach, NC. The matron of honor requested that the wedding guests each create a "page" for a wedding book they were putting together for the happy couple. I assume they wanted the garden-variety, saccharine collection of pithy anecdotes and breezy remembrances of days gone by. Naturally, you know I couldn't go that route, so I penned a bit of prose dedicated to the two and their love. It never made it to the finished album, not having passed the censors, so I figured I'd post it here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

The convertible top was down, as it was a balmy afternoon in Las Vegas. Barry glanced at Ashton ever so briefly, careful not to lose control of the large rented vehicle, in which he was achieving an increasingly dangerous speed. Enervated for so long by an unfulfilled yearning that bordered frequently on obsession, their collective thirst was about to be sated. The object of their desire lay just before them, tantalizingly within reach, growing ever larger, and more tangible, with the rapid approach.

The seminal moment in Barry and Ashton’s relationship had taken place many months ago. One evening over cocktails at a local seafood joint in Gainesville called Northwest Grille, Barry had finally decided to share his dream with Ashton. This recurring dream of Barry’s had grown from fascination to preoccupation over the years, and Barry knew that if he didn’t act upon it soon, it would consume him. The debate as to whether or not to share his vision with Ashton had plagued him for months, and he finally wanted to rid himself of the burden of that decision. The only way to do this was to come clean, once and for all. Barry evidently was showing the strain of the anxiety he felt, because Ashton frowned and asked him if something was wrong mere moments after they’d sat down.

It was as if a floodgate had opened. Barry explained the details of his passion with a fervor not unlike the preachers of Ashton’s youth. He watched as she registered what he was saying, a look of stunned disbelief on her face. As he finished speaking, his initial thought was that he had blown it for good. Surely, she’d get up and walk away, never to return. When she stood abruptly, Barry had resigned himself to his fatal error, but instead of running off, she threw his arms around him and held him in a clutch that possessed a warmth that Barry had never before experienced.

“I’ve been dreaming the same thing….” she whispered.

Barry couldn’t believe his ears. “Will you marry me?” he asked.

“Yes!” Ashton responded breathlessly.

Now, months later, they were finally going to realize their dream together. In clear view, on the right hand side of the road, they could see the famous “Chapel of the Bells.” And just in front of it, an elderly man, homeless, carrying his meager possessions in a bandana at the end of a stick, just like the hobos of old. More importantly, just like the man in the dream. The huge engine roared as the drifter turned to face the vehicle at the penultimate moment. Barry and Ashton caught a quick glimpse of a sign – “Will work for –“ as the car impacted the man at 95 miles per hour. The sign was quickly thrown from view as the transient was hurled onto the hood of the car, up the windshield, and launched about 30 feet in the air. Barry jammed on the brakes and the huge auto screeched to a stop as the man landed in the middle of the road with a sickening thud. Barry’s eyes blazed as he turned to Ashton.

“Should I back up?” he asked Ashton, the wanton lust in his eyes enough to frighten anyone but her. His soul mate.

Ashton simply shook her head slowly, her eyes rolling back, betraying her ecstatic reverie. Barry knew what that meant. The man was dead. They held each other’s gaze a moment longer, then the tires screamed as Barry punched the gas and pulled away. The tires caught hold of the road, and the sound of burning rubber was replaced by peals of wild laughter as they both threw their heads back and laughed like jackals as the car tore off, crested a hill, and dropped out of sight…..